I'm homophobic, are you?

I once responded to a friend's remark that they'd been to the doctor with the question “What did he say?” – only to be reminded that women are doctors too. Does this make me sexist? Well, not really. Simply a reminder to be vigilant about the wider messages society has given me as I grew up. I'd be sexist if I believed all doctors should be men. And this is the difference that sits at the core of homophobia in contemporary Irish society. The expression of the negative messages we internalised during our upbringing is rife and comes sometimes when we least expect it. This summer I attended my first legal marriage between two men in Barcelona, an old friend from many years ago pledged his life to his parter in a beautiful multi-generational celebration. The officiator concluded by saying the grooms could kiss. For a moment I was embarrassed. There were elderly people there. I looked behind me to see those elderly people smiling with undiluted happiness for the two men. What on earth had I been thinking? Internalised homophobia, that's what. Even after all these years it creeps up on you. At forty-three you'd think that was all sorted. But like the mythical population of male-only doctors, it is still there, and if vestiges of homophobia are still in me, imagine how strong it is other parts of society? Well, it is not so hard to imagine. Homophobia is rife in Ireland. It's in our legislation; we get it from our media commentators and our legislators. Some is nasty and hate-fueled, refracted through a twisted view of faith and Christianity. Other manifestations are like my own, an unwitting automatic response that reflects the negative messages we were brought up with rather than our real humanity. Some is self-editing by those in positions of power. 'Out' though they may be, they remain concerned that they'll be seen to be pushing their personal 'agenda.' So they remain silent about gay equality. The coverage of the death of Stephen Gately, is a case in point. In Ireland it was initially marked by the almost complete exclusion of his husband, Andy Cowles, as the chief mourner. While the media in the UK gave the widower the respect he was due most of the Irish media, struggling with what language to use, simply excluded him until they caught up with the language being used elsewhere. Then there's our equality legislation, which is not so equal if you are a teacher where faith schools can dismiss gay teachers. Or what about Civil Partnership legislation, which excludes the right for same-sex couples to parent children (and over 170 other rights). And currently we have the tide of hatred waged against David Norris' presidential campaign. The deeply concerning homophobic thread that runs through these examples, excluding the Stephen Gately issue, is children. And it is an issue that has particular relevance for the status of gay men in Ireland as our status is different from lesbians. There is a strongly held belief that children are not safe with gay men; that if a man is gay he is also a potential paedophile. The reality is that the two are mutually exclusive. In a truly unholy confluence of myths and false beliefs, almost unique to Ireland, clerical child abuse has been woven into the false belief that older priests are closeted gay men, that peadophila is somehow part of the normal run of sexuality from heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual; that sexual orientation suddenly appears at the age of consent; that sexuality stops at the bedroom door; hat same-sex parents can 'turn' a child gay (so why aren't I straight?). So virulent is this jumble of beliefs that they ended up framing legislation and so hungry are we for a few crumbs of equality that we have accepted this framework, but in reality we have helped strengthen our own cage. I recently heard a worrying story about a young gay male broadcaster at RTE who was told to keep his sexuality quiet if he wanted to succeed, especially as more than likely he'd be starting in children's television. This is our dilemma in a nutshell. Choose your career or challenge the myth and homophobia – the bolshie politico rarely gets the job. The problem is that the stakes are higher than just our careers. Because gay men are afraid to raise the subject and challenge the stereotype, people continue to believe that we have a sexual interest in boys. Real paedophiles hide behind this falsity and continue to abuse. Meanwhile, the evil myth is also used as rich vein of negative campaigning against gay men. Ireland needs to take a new look at homophobia. Those who make powerful decisions about our future and future generations of gay people, need to reflect on their unconscious behaviour, and that won't happen if we're shouting 'off with their homophobic heads!' We were all brought up with negative messages. Let's all acknowledge them to help unpick and change them. By reflecting back our own internalised homophobia, or highlighting it in others, we can help challenge its unconscious repetition. Only when we can facilitate this will the national media listen, because they are not listening now. [This first appeared in GCN (Gay Community News), October 2011. www.gcn.ie] ENDS